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Thursday, June 10, 2010

:) :/ :( :'( >_< :/

haha. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Again.
THIS. ISNT. FAIR!!! Why in the world does he have so much control over me?!?!? And WHEN IN THE WORLD did this happen??????

Anyways, after our major fight on Monday, we... reached an understanding, I guess. But he kept trying to talk to me, and I kept telling him not to. I finally had to cuss him out and threaten his face before he finally stopped talking to me. But now that I'm not talking to him, he's taking so much of my mental space, especially when I'm tired. What does that mean? It means I go from being happy :) to upset :/ to sad :( to crying :'( to mad >_<>
It's awful. And because of that, I couldn't focus on my AP Euro final today. Because of course, I don't need to focus on one of my most important, probably most difficult finals of the year. :/

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

VENT ALERT!!!!

GRRRRR!!! some people just... grr.

so, ian's last day of school was friday. meaning he's not in school to be at his locker, so i now have 7-8 (ish) inches of free space to the left of my locker.
its awful. and it makes me smile when people are sympathetic (thank you!) because some people are like, so? who cares?
i translate this to:
who cares that one of your best friends no longer attends the same school as you? who cares if you won't get to see him every day now? who cares if next week starts a month long period of time during we will not talk as often as we do now, we will most definitely NOT see each other, and im dreading that time, and already miss him like crazy?? WHO FREAKING CARES?!?

ok. im done now. YAY for blogs that don't have to be happy all the time *sad smile*

Thursday, May 27, 2010

fights and drama and blargh.

Sooooooo.... yeah.

Yesterday, i got in a fight with my best friend. And it's mostly his fault because,
a) He told his ex something i did not want him to
b) He lied about telling her.

So he dug his hole even deeper than necessary.

But it's partly my fault because i was in a really off mood, and i felt an annoying need to pick a fight with someone. He just happened to make it very easy for me.

It's rather sad, actually. I've gotten pathetically at dealing with drama. My fault, I know. It's annoying and pathetic. And kind of scary...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I just completely blew up at him. Through a text message.

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!? Am I really so afraid of what I feel, and what other people think that I'm willing to risk his friendship? Now I'm the one who has screwed up... *sigh*

I think I'm going to implode, or hyperventilate. What does having a panic attack feel like?

One of my... "friends" (I guess. He's in my drama class and i talk with him on the bus most afternoons) has been having dreams about people's personal "hells on earth".
One of those people was me.
And it was uncannily accurate. It's a nightmare I would have had, if I were a normal person.

This is really freaking me out. He doesn't know me well enough to have guessed it on his own, and I'm pretty sure I've never told him, either. I don't know him well enough.

AAAHHHH!!!!!! This is super freaky.

Monday, May 17, 2010

HSA week pros and cons

Pros:
-on the days i don't have hsa's, its the equivalent to a 3.5 hour delay :D
-i really do want to pass high school
-my junior and senior year, i don't have to take any at all (unless i fail, which is highly unlikely)


Cons:

-on the days i do have hsa's, i have to go in at normal time
-these test are insanely easy, and i dont see their point
-my biology teacher said the hsa was going to be hard, hard, hard, and that if we didn't study we wouldn't pass. i have a feeling im going to pass, and i didn't do any studying outside of class.
-these tests are actually rather draining, especially when you finish each session in 15 minutes. you try sitting there silently for half an hour! its tough. i ended up napping, and im STILL tired. :sigh:
-did i mention that they're rather pointless?

Friday, May 7, 2010

crushed-ness

i know thats not a word, but deal.

my life fell apart. literally. i have no idea who i am, who im going to be, anything. and all because of three little words. "i love you". not a big deal right? i mean, i tell people that all the time. granted, theyre not guys, but who cares? i love my friends, right?
but "i love you". have you ever contemplated the weight of those three words? well, i can tell you--i have. a lot. in just the past day, i have thought about them, approached them from all angles, everything ive thought about today is those words, their meaning, and what happens when theyre used.
why? you wanna know why i've been contemplating perhaps the heaviest combination of three words in the English language? surprise.
i've been contemplating them because my best guy friend in the whole wide world just said them to me last night. i wont even go into the details, because theyre not important.
what is important is the meaning and connotation.
he did not mean "i love you as a friend". he meant "i love you as a girlfriend".
the connotation? hes more in love with me than i am with him, and he's seeing things in our future that i can't even think about yet. and yes, it will always be our future. because wherever i go in life, i want to be friends with him through it all.

but, my conundrum paramounts in a few different areas:
1) im not talking to him, not really. i shouldn't be, but i want to soooo bad, its not even funny.
2) because im not talking to him, im also not hugging him. which is good and bad. i need a hug from him right now, but i can't have one from him, because hes the reason i need one!
3) theres a *slight* possibility that i could maybe sorta be falling for him. my main clues? i can't live without him, no matter what. this is killing me inside, and i hate it. and despite how much i dont want to care right now, i care more than anything in the whole wide world.
i almost started crying at multiple points during my AP test this afternoon because i would get distracted, then think of my solo audition, then think of our song "take o take" or w/e its called, then id think of him. which made me cry. >_<
and no matter what he says, hes not the only person who has thoroughly screwed things up. ive helped, more than he knows, probably even more than i want him to know.

i cant stop crying over this. is that bad?

Monday, May 3, 2010

I'm sorry.

i'm sorry i gave you a choice. ultimatums, when issued, add pressure. i tried to make it easier on you to pick the right option, but you still picked wrong.
wow. i kind of screwed your life over, didn't i? and don't say its all your fault, because we both know it's not.

so, I'm really truly sorry.

p.s. i don't hate you. im just upset with you, and the choice you made. i need some chill time, ok?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

...

i'm not sure this whole situation can get any worse. and now that ive said that, it will.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrr... stupid high school drama. >_< shes jealous, and has NO REASON to be. nothing will happen, and she ought to know that. but does she? NO.

ok, im done ranting now.

(please, no comments)

last night

it was a ton of fun, nothing unusual, until we got there.
then, i started feeling fifth-wheel-ish. bleh.
ians parents were walking around, and ian was comforting caitlin about her shoulder or something, i guess.
meh.
when we got in the theater, it was kinda the same thing. ians parents were up and walking around, and ian and caitlin were in their own little world again. then the show started, and i was pretty much fine until the end (including intermission).
then the car ride home.
caitlin and i leaned on ian (he was in the middle, to act as pillow) and then she "got up" kinda and leaned away. i wasn't sure exactly why, but i thought it might have had something to do with the fact that i was resting my head on ian's shoulder. so i got up. sure enough, she leaned her head back down.
so, bad little girl that i am, i got out my mp3 and threw myself a mini pity party the whole way home. ian realized something was wrong and texted me, but my phone was on silent, so i didn't see it until i was almost home. but when i did see him, i just told him i was tired. it seemed to work.
but bleh.
anyways, it was a learning experience. never go out with two couples, no matter their age, unless you are with someone. even if you're really good friends with one of the people. it's not worth feeling like a fifth wheel.

Friday, April 23, 2010

WDOMLTD

^that acronym^ means
Worst
Day
Of
My
Life
To
Date.

Why the "to date"? Because at least I realize that this will not be the worst day of my life, and that I do not have to set a definitive worst day of my life until I die, if I still wish to do so. But to sum it up...


#1) My flip flops broke. Somebody stepped on them, and they broke. They were my only flip flops, my favorite flip flops, and I've had them for three years. And you know what's even worse? I can't find the super glue to fix them with.
#2) Mom wouldn't answer the landline, her cell phone OR my text message (at least, not until a little more than 2 hours later). I will explain why in #4.
#3) I forgot about some of my english homework, and when I tried to do it during lunch, I couldn't understand it, which made it hard to focus on.
#4) My grandfather had a stroke. So both my parents are in Dover. And when do I find this out? Right after chorus starts, when I "go to the bathroom" to call my mom, as she was so insistent to talk to me that she actually called my cell phone. Then i had to sing for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Without crying.

And now you are caught up on the WDOMLTD.

Now to go post in my OI and hopefully make myself feel better. Although, I'll probably end up feeling worse. :sigh:

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

drama, drama, drama

>_< i always get caught up in drama!!!! why me?? and its not even drama that i start! its drama between friends, and i end up relaying messages. you know what? i should just shut my mouth, and not even think about asking about it. so much easier that way. b/c if i never know there's drama or what its about, then i won't get caught up in it, right? Right??? >_<

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

why o why?

FOT is the worst class in the world! Why do we even have to take it?? Blargh.
It was freezing cold in there this morning. So cold, i almost fell asleep. My body tried to shut itself down to protect itself from the cold. >_< Stupid school.

OK, I'm finished ranting now!

(Go check out Ian's new OI!!!)

Saturday, April 17, 2010

chillin

today is a good day. i dont know why though.

maybe its because i stopped fighting with one of my best friends.
or because its sunny out.
or because im going out to dinner tonight with my uncle.
or because im going to HdG UMC senior high youth group tomorrow night.

pick one. i think it's a combination though.

~So if you get the chance, are you gonna take it/
There's a really big world at your fingertips/
and you know you have the chance to change it.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day of Silence

It is a day to show your support of gays, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Basically, the point is to be silent to represent the silence that these people face, whether it be from bullying, harrassment, name-calling or something of the sort.
I personally don't get it. How can you call something to someone's attention, or support it, by being silent?
Anyways, yes my drama partner did participate. But then he gave up. Which doesn't make sense, considering he is one of the people being supported.

The website, if you want to check it out (I recommend not, as it wasn't very helpful, unless you actually register or have the time or brain capacity to search the site) is dayofsilence.org

In Him,
Andee

Monday, April 12, 2010

so dreams DO help!!

*revelation light* lol.

Okay, serious now.

If you've heard about my awful dream that I had recently (my best guy friend left me..), then you must also know about how well the dream analysis I did DIDN'T work.

But i was just thinking about it, and I've realized. The dream WASN'T just a miserable thing from Hell to try and get to run around in fear like a chicken with its head cut off.

The dream showed one of my major issues. I am *slightly* afraid of being rejected. I say *slightly* because it's not that bad. I'm guessing because I've "caught it" before it came too bad? I don't know. But now I know what I need to work on with myself, and something specific I need to ask God to help me with. Which is a very good thing.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

:sigh:

What is it with drama??? And why do I seem to get caught in the middle??

I offer my help, my support, my advice as a third party not entirely privvy to the situation. And yet? One person or the other A) vents to me, B) asks me to pass on message, or C) tries to tear the other person down.

And I see all this so clearly in other people's drama, but not in my own. :sigh:

waking up is hard to do..

...especially when your mom pounces on you. a half hour early. then its really hard. i need about 25-30 minutes to get ready, and i dislike having too much extra time in the morning, b/c then i get involved in a bunch of stuff that i can't stop in the middle of. then i have to leave.

ouch. im sore now! my abs hurt.. and they wont stretch out. or relax.... *curls up in pain* doesn't help. see? lol

hopefully hanging with friends today. not sure who, or what we're doing.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

nothin special...

except that i missed SRT :( how was it? im sad i couldn't be there.

im hoping to maybe go dress shopping tomorrow... i want a fun sundress, and i need black shoes for States/conerts....

anyways, not much happened. was out on the river all day. not sore (yet.)

so ill post more tomorrow!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

:D

so the "deed" is done.
and it wasn't really something to dread.
because it was mutual.
sooo...

im single.
not sure how i feel about it yet.

except for scared.
ive heard a *rumor* that this guy wants to ask me out.
and i barely know him.
and i dont really like him (what i do know of him)

soooo...........yeah.

lol.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

GRRRR!!!!!!!!!! I called and he didn't. PICK. UP!!!!

no even he's helping me procrastinate. >_< :sigh:

so i will wait for his call.

pray for me? please?


....and i stabbed myself with a pencil. :sigh: im a wreck today.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"Breaking up is hard to do"

that song is sooo true!! :sigh:

i will let you know how i feel later. right now? shower. then hard phone call....

pray for me!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

*insert date here*

lol. i think im just a little tired today.... sorry! anyways, i...
woke up at 8:30 b/c i was going to babysit for my mom's friend
but then it turned out she didn't need me
so i've been up since then, with nothing to do
(well, except for look at blog layouts. i do so enjoy that
and bug a friend about getting an OI [not Colin])

so that's my morning so far!

i really am too addicted to blogging. oy... but its pretty fun. i mean, i get to talk about whatever without worrying about boring people. and if it is boring, well then! they don't have to read it.

4:27 pm--!!!!! i have finished half of my english homework which is due friday. :D
i also helped my brother with lacrosse. and guess what? i caught the ball (with a lacrosse stick more often than not!! yay me)
i am also blessed to have friends that trust me and love me, despite my shortcomings.. *sigh*

the next morning--mr. rick was at driver's ed last night... :sigh: hes so hard to understand!!! anyways, about my english homework...i believe i have lost the last three chapters of what i was supposed to read! (not good). so i have to search for them today...



Monday, April 5, 2010

dreams

yes, i realize this is my *fourth* blog (well, third-and-a-half, b/c girl's only is a co-author blog). but i can't really post the wierd, unhappy things that happen to me on my happy blog, now can i? so i made this one. b/c there seem to be some days where my life is wierd or unhappy. and those days don't belong on my normal blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

aren't dreams wierd? they are normally (at least for me) in the oddest settings, at the oddest times, and about the most random things!

so anyways, i woke up this morning from an awful dream. so i decided to try a dream analysis. NEVER. AGAIN. you know what it told me? it basically said "andee, you are sooo messed up, your dream can't even figure out what your issues are."

so, yeah. never ever ever again. bleh.