crushed-ness

i know thats not a word, but deal.

my life fell apart. literally. i have no idea who i am, who im going to be, anything. and all because of three little words. "i love you". not a big deal right? i mean, i tell people that all the time. granted, theyre not guys, but who cares? i love my friends, right?
but "i love you". have you ever contemplated the weight of those three words? well, i can tell you--i have. a lot. in just the past day, i have thought about them, approached them from all angles, everything ive thought about today is those words, their meaning, and what happens when theyre used.
why? you wanna know why i've been contemplating perhaps the heaviest combination of three words in the English language? surprise.
i've been contemplating them because my best guy friend in the whole wide world just said them to me last night. i wont even go into the details, because theyre not important.
what is important is the meaning and connotation.
he did not mean "i love you as a friend". he meant "i love you as a girlfriend".
the connotation? hes more in love with me than i am with him, and he's seeing things in our future that i can't even think about yet. and yes, it will always be our future. because wherever i go in life, i want to be friends with him through it all.

but, my conundrum paramounts in a few different areas:
1) im not talking to him, not really. i shouldn't be, but i want to soooo bad, its not even funny.
2) because im not talking to him, im also not hugging him. which is good and bad. i need a hug from him right now, but i can't have one from him, because hes the reason i need one!
3) theres a *slight* possibility that i could maybe sorta be falling for him. my main clues? i can't live without him, no matter what. this is killing me inside, and i hate it. and despite how much i dont want to care right now, i care more than anything in the whole wide world.
i almost started crying at multiple points during my AP test this afternoon because i would get distracted, then think of my solo audition, then think of our song "take o take" or w/e its called, then id think of him. which made me cry. >_<
and no matter what he says, hes not the only person who has thoroughly screwed things up. ive helped, more than he knows, probably even more than i want him to know.

i cant stop crying over this. is that bad?