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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Anniversaries and Decisions

It was a year ago Saturday that Christine left. Because I so love thinking about this even more.

They're coming back with their little baby in about three weeks to host an annual "summer solstice" bonfire type deal at his parent's house.  I'm not really sure how I feel about that, so I've decided to make a pros/cons list to help me figure this out (although, I should really be doing this in the middle of the day, not at midnight).


  • I'll get to see Christine and ooh and aah over her adorable little baby boy.
  • We've actually had a minuscule amount of semi-friendly interaction on Facebook (so maybe we *ahem* maybe I can act like an adult)
  • There a couple other cool people going that I can chat with
  • The property's big enough that I won't have to be in the same vicinity with them if I don't want to
  • Erin might go
  • I'm not mad at her anymore (for the most part)
  • Chatting with Christine on her turf could help clear some things up and maybe put us on the track to an adult friendship
  • I'm not sure I can maintain my composure all night long
  • I'm still a little mad that she's not trying to keep in touch (but maybe chatting could help...)
  • But maybe having a chat on her turf with him right there could be disadvantageous to myself
  • I don't want to see him AT ALL
  • Their baby looks just like him. Freaky
  • Would it be rude to just pop my head in, say hey, and leave?
  • Erin might not go
So. That was (for the most part) unhelpful.  It did help me to clear up some things, but... *sigh* I don't know how I'll figure this out.  I may just ask my parents for permission, and then decide on the spot whether I go or stay.

AAANNNNDDD all of this just became irrelevant because I'm going to be in Costa Rica. So, yeah.  Stupid and unhelpful. Maybe?

But now... Maybe I should see if she wants to get lunch? GAAAAHHHHH!!! I am so frustrated by this.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Past is Catching Up

It's been about 8 months since my best friend in the whole wide world just up and left.  And I don't mean "I'm-leaving-but-I'll-be-back" kind of left, and definitely not "I'm-leaving-tomorrow-so-let-me-say-goodbye" kind of left, either.  I mean "I'm-eloping-with-this-guy-of-whom-nobody-approves-but-me-and-I'm-not-saying-goodbye-and-you-can't-stop-me" kind of left.

Christine chose a time when her younger sister, Erin, was at church, and her younger brother was at their grandparents' house a whole state away.  She didn't tell her parents until her boyfriend (fiance? whatever you want to call him) was at her door, ready to whisk her away to his farm in Kentucky, never to be heard from again.

When it all started happening, Christine's mom called Erin to tell her, and I was the lucky one who got to see it all play out on Erin's face.  The way she curled in on herself, with her mouth wide open and her eyes filling with tears, I thought someone had died.  Her response was that instantaneous, that intense.  For as long I live, I will never forget her reaction.  Once I finally heard what was going on, I was almost as devastated.  Christine and I had been best friends since kindergarten, and we were about to graduate.  Her graduation party was going to happen in two days, and mine the day after that.  We used to be as thick as thieves.  For pretty much as long as I've known her, I've considered her my sister in all ways except blood.  We grew up talking about being in each other's weddings, graduating together, even going to school close to each other.  In fact, after I applied for the college I'm currently attending, she started looking at Christian schools in the area.

But obviously, none of that lasted.  She and her beau went off to Kentucky, leaving behind broken-hearted friends and family, and a mother who wasn't eating and losing weight dangerously quickly, due to the stress and the heartache.  My dreams of celebrating our graduations together were dashed.  A week later, so were our dreams of participating in each other's weddings.

She came back and visited once, in the middle of June.  No warning, just showed up at church.  He walked in first, and the second I saw him, I froze.  I stopped talking mid-sentence.  The smile just fell off of my face.  I was talking with Erin at the time, and she responded the exact same way as me.  We both stalked out, but while she stopped to talk to Christine, I strode right past her.  I was practically running down the hallway in order to get away from all the ugly feelings that I hadn't even begun to figure out.

Of course, Christine followed me down the hallway, and I finally turned and faced her, bracing myself for the worst.

"We're only going to be two hours away from each other! Aren't you happy?"

The most loaded question in the world.  Happy?  Happy about what?  Happy that she ran away?  Happy that the only thing I could think at my graduation party was that she wasn't there?  Happy that she didn't say goodbye?  Happy that she'd gotten married without me?  Happy that she'd broken her mother's heart, completely devastated her brother and sister?  Happy that she'd left a mess behind and wasn't even going to try and help clean up?  Happy that she'd given up on all her dreams of being a youth pastor in order to become a homemaker and a wife to someone who'd convinced her that her dreams weren't important and that her parents are pagans?

No.  I wasn't happy.  Neither were her parents, or her siblings, or anyone else, except for his family.  And I told her so, in no uncertain terms.  After that, I ran downstairs to my mom and bawled my eyes out.  I felt horrible.  I had just yelled at one of my best friends, and probably ruined our relationship for good.  I still feel a bit bad about that (not about telling her the truth, no matter how harsh, but about how meanly I told her).  The next day I saw her mom, and she thanked me.  She THANKED me!  For yelling at my best friend.  I understand her point - some of the things I said, she couldn't or else Christine would never come back.  But it didn't make it hurt any less.

So I emailed her in the beginning of July, to apologize and explain.  I told her that things had changed, namely our relationship, and that I wanted to try and fix it, but she'd have to help.  She never responded.

Fast forward two months, it's the beginning of September, and I've been in classes for not even two weeks.  I emailed her again, apologizing and practically begging her to talk to me.  I know, not the smartest move, but I really missed her and I was bursting with news about college and just life in general.

She finally emailed me back mid-October, almost a week after my grandfather died.  Other than her "I promise I wasn't mad. Of course we can be friends," her email was just benign chit-chat.  Way to twist that knife a little deeper into my heart.

I responded instantly, filled with anger (although, looking back, that anger was just masking a deep-seated hurt).  I had heard she was pregnant from a mutual friend (also a girl she used to mentor), and so, in my response, I accused her of not telling me that (because best friends are supposed to share everything, RIGHT?!?) and answered her question about college with a very flat, unhelpful "Fine. I guess."

AND I kept obsessing and obsessing and obsessing over the email until I gave up and emailed her back.  I apologized (again), and suggested that maybe keeping up with consistent communication would help me to not get so riled up.  I also told her about my life in a little bit more detail, telling her that I loved my classes, and that I'd been dating this guy that I was really into.

No response.

Four days ago, after not having spoken for 3.5 months, we became Facebook friends.  Not because they sought me out.  Nope!  I had to hear that they ("they" meaning Christine and her husband, his name first) made a joint account on Facebook through my mother.  Thanks guys.  Feeling the love.

So I messaged them, asking them surface questions (How are you? How's life? etc.) in an attempt to open conversation without hitting nerves on the first go.  I got a pretty flat response in return.  "Hey! We're doing well :) How's college and life these days?"  So I gave them the run-down on my classes, talking about how I'm excited for some and nervous for others, and how I'm such a nerd for being excited for an upper-level Spanish class, but I didn't care.  I also mentioned, in detail, my swimming for fitness class.  I told Christine (a former competitive swimmer) that I swam 500yds in 11 minutes and 20 seconds (I know, not that impressive for you pros, but I'm proud!) and how hopefully by spring break I'll be swimming 500yds in a little over eight minutes.

You know that new feature on Facebook, where it tells you if someone has seen your message, and when they saw it?  Yeah.  I used to not really care about that feature.  Now, however I do.  Because you see, Facebook claims that one or the other saw the message at 9:43 pm Thursday, January 31, 2013.  And by 3:25 pm Sunday, February 3, 2013, there was no response.

So, what do I do?  I message them again.  Asking how their holidays were, if they started any new traditions, etc, etc.  I also asked "What's been the most interesting/unexpected/hilarious thing that's happened to y'all?"  According to Facebook, they saw the message at 3:25 pm today.  So, basically, as soon as it got there.  Do I get a response? NO!

I've been thinking about Christine a lot lately.  Part of it's because I found out that she really is pregnant (and, in fact, due in about a month).  Part of it's because her birthday was a month ago.  But most of it is because I just really really miss her.  And I don't know what to do!  I'm trying to re-build this relationship, at least a little bit, but it's not working!  They never answer when I call, she's not responding to me, he's not responding to me, nothing!  It's like they don't want me anymore.  And that hurts, a lot.

I wish there was something I could do, but the truth is, it's all on their end.  I'm not ready to give up yet, though.  I'm going to try.  Because someday, I might need her, or she might need me.  Or we might want to try and talk again.  But if there are years of hurt and betrayal and anger between us, rather than months, we might not be able to cross that gap.  And I don't want that.

"The past collides with the present, and they shed tears for the future."
~Andee Skaggs~

Thursday, November 1, 2012

More Than I Did Yesterday

Every morning I wake up
Ready for anything
But telling myself
"I could never love him
More than I did yesterday."

Every night I go to bed
As blessed as ever
Thinking to myself
"Today he made me love him
More than I did yesterday."

Monday, October 29, 2012


In case you couldn't tell, I really like butterflies.  I mean, I'm obsessed with them, for so many reasons.  And I'm not talking just your normal, evolved-from-a-caterpillar butterflies.  I'm talking those oh-my-goodness-he's-so-cute-and-he's-looking-my-way butterflies.  Or those I'm-about-to-go-onstage-but-I'm-so-nervous butterflies.

I got those butterflies the other day.  The second kind.  The I-have-a-major-crush-on-him kind.  And you know why?  I got them because I was about to see my boyfriend.  I thought I'd already gotten through my butterfly-crush stage, but I guess I was wrong.  It was the best feeling in the world.  I already love him so much.  I used to think you couldn't have love and butterflies, because the butterflies were superficial.  That's not true at all.  I was so excited to see him, I turned into a school girl for a minute or two.  It was cute, and he enjoyed hearing about it :)

So I guess the point of this post is, never lose the butterflies.  They mean you care!  Yes, of course you care about that boy you like.  But that stage fright?  That shows you care, too.  My absolute favorite teacher of all time taught my high school drama class, and directed the fall production.  One year he told all of us that stage fright is completely normal and perfectly acceptable.  He said, in a nutshell, the worse your stage fright is, the more you care.  So think about that, the next you get anxious or excited.  It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing.  It proves you care about the subject of your butterflies.

Thursday, October 25, 2012


As I've gotten settled into college life and figured out how to balance my classes with my job with my friends with my boyfriend, I've been thinking a lot about how amazingly blessed I am.  Have you ever taken a moment to think of how many blessings God has given you?  Why don't you try it?

Tonight, I'm feeling particularly grateful for my wonderful boyfriend.  He is so many blessings rolled up in one amazing package.  Every day I am thankful that God brought us together.  My love for him is overwhelming at times--it's not even been two months!  But I try not to think about how crazy that sounds.  I love him, that's what's important.  And amazingly, he loves me as well.  He loves me in spite of my ton of  baggage, my ridiculous past, and my (sometimes very messed up) past relationships.  That is so huge for me. I am just in awe of how much his love covers that.  Yes, he knows a lot about me.  I think he even knows everything (I'm not really keeping track).  And yet, he still loves me, day in and day out, through all the stupid things I do or say or overreact to.


*clears throat* Now, back to blessings.

My family is one of my biggest blessings, too.  I'm not talking just my mom and my dad and my siblings.  My family isn't even limited to my aunts and uncles and cousins!  My family is everyone whom I love.  There's that word again--love.  It plays a big role in my everyday life, thankfully.  My family consists of the people who are there for me, who support me in everything I do, who stay involved in my life, and who let me stay involved in theirs.  I honestly don't know what I would do without my support system.

Next time you can't sleep, try counting blessings instead of sheep.  Or if you're ever having an off day, take a second to thank God for what you do have, instead of stressing over what you don't have.  It'll help, I promise.

And if you're going through a hard time, and you can't see the silver lining for the life of you, try listening to "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Those are some really powerful, very true lyrics.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I love love :)

When I say "love" I don't just mean romantic love (although, that's really fantastic!). I mean all sorts of love. Love from my family, love from my old friends, love from my new friends, love from my almost-family, and most importantly, love from my God. Love makes me feel like I belong somewhere, and like I have value as a person. To me, it also means trust. I can't love someone if I don't trust them. I know that's not the same for everybody, but I feel like that's generally true. I did one of those word search things on Facebook the other day. You know, "look at this word search, what words do you see first?" kind of things.  You know what I saw? "LOVE, FAMILY, and KNOWLEDGE." If that doesn't define a large part of me, I don't know what would.
So yes, love is a big deal. It's not something to ever be trivialized. You shouldn't say it just to get out of trouble, and it should never be reduced to a simple "Love ya!" as you're running out the door. If you truly love someone, take the time to tell them, in whichever you can.
This brings me to love languages. There are five of them, actually. Did you know that? Gary Chapman wrote a whole book about them (visit the site at The different types of love are:
Physical Touch: hugging, handholding, etc.
Words of Affirmation: Praise, compliments, simply saying "I love you," or "I appreciate you."
Quality Time: Kind of obvious, but let me just say that there are different kinds--it's not always sitting in the same room watching TV together. Yes, you can do that sometimes, but make sure you do things one-on-one, where all your attention can be focused on the other person.
Gifts: Again, kind of obvious. Giving gifts is how you best display your love. It might not be fancy jewelry or expensive perfume, or other pricey things. It could just be a little something you say on your way home from work or class you thought the other person might like.
Acts of Service: Doing the dishes, washing the laundry, taking out the trash. Little things like that can scream "I LOVE YOU!"

Now, you don't have to be solely one category. I know I'm not! I receive (and give) love through Words of Affirmation, and I most certainly give (and sometimes receive) love through Physical Touch. Quality Time is important too, but I'd rather have someone hug me or tell me they love me than JUST spend time with me.

So the moral of this post is LOVE! Love with everything you have, because THAT'S the legacy you want to leave behind. My grandfather just passed away recently, and over all of the teasing and the funny stories, there's this aura of love. He just loved everyone, and that's what I want to be like. I want everyone to remember me for my unconditional love.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Hello, y'all!

Wow, it's seriously been a long time since I've written.

My summer was uneventful (for the most part)....

However I did get to go to Florida with Autumn for a week. That was great! :)

Other than that I pretty much just worked until I left for Kentucky.

Which is where I am now--in the middle of nowhere that is famous for how many restaurants per capita it has.  I find it funny that I go from one small town that's proud of something kinda funny, to another small town that's VERY proud of something so random.  Bowling Green doesn't really boast all-star athletes (except for Claire Donaghue, the girl who won the Olympic gold in swimming and graduated from WKU).  Nope, here they're proud of how many restaurants per capita they have--the most in the nation! I love meeting people from Bowling Green, because they're quite proud of that fact.

I've met a bunch of new people, and even have a pretty good group of friends.  My roommate and I get along pretty well (it helps that we're not in the room at the same time that often).  And you wanna know something awesome?  SHE BAKES! From scratch :) She makes the best cookies EVER! They're so delicious.

I also met a boy ;) He is sooo perfectly sweet to me.  He's funny, he's a strong Christian, and he's pretty darn smart.  His name's Ryun, and he's an architecture major.  We instantly hit it off (on the day we met, someone asked us if we were twins).  That night we went on what my roommate called a "fake date" (he took me out to dinner, just the two of us, but I wasn't sure how he meant it...).  Of course, after she said that, I completely panicked about everything--hair, makeup, clothes... WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?!?!? It went really well.  I liked the dinner, we talked about a lot of stuff, and it wasn't really all that awkward (yes, I was expecting awkwardness, at least on my end anyways).  Anyways, we exchanged numbers and just started hanging out.  He's living proof that chivalry isn't dead (he opens doors, pulls out chairs, carries groceries :P ... you name it, he does it. And not just for me, either, but for everyone).  It's so fantastic!  We can talk about anything and everything, whenever we need to.  We're both really open; If one of us has a question, the other will answer it to the best of their ability.  I love that :)  It's something I've never had in a relationship, and can't believe I went without for so long.

Well, I should go write my paper before this laptop dies...  I will try to keep y'all updated!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

How to: 2.0

How to fight senioritis:

Stop caring about everything (i.e. parties, appearances, sleep) in order to focus on your grades.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

How to:

How to pull back when flirting goes too far:

Don't let it get that far in the first place.

Just a friendly piece of advice.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

1 Minute

She rolls up her sleeves.
Because this feels right.
She’ll leave this world.
This rotten world.
This poisonous world.
She grits her teeth
As the cold metal slides into her skin
Countless times.
She falls over
Blissfully ignorant of the time
The screams
The sirens.
As someone sees her,
Misses her,
Tries to stop her,
A minute too late.

Wordle: One Minute

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Guilty as Charged

I always tell myself I should post more often.  But I don't. So when I do, it ends up being really short as I jot off important events while running to do something else.

So, what's new, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

  • I got the part of Dolly Tate in HHS's production of Annie Get Your Gun
  • I finally finished PE, and subsequently switched into Psych
  • I paid my housing deposit for WKU
  • I'm on the job hunt, and
  • I'm about to go watch Once Upon a Time. (WATCH IT. IT'S GOOD!)
And that is all. 
Goodnight, my fellow homo sapiens!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


A guy friend says he likes you
Said friend is persistent
You can only come up with Spanish words when you're trying to think in English and vice versa
The past is brought back up to the surface

All in one day. This has been quite a day...

Monday, November 21, 2011

So Much to Say...

The Crucible was cancelled... I cried myself to sleep that night.

But! On the plus side, callbacks for Annie Get Your Gun were today, and I THINK I may have a shot at getting a kind-of lead role... Yay!! :D

On a more depressing note...
Poor Adam. I don't know his full name, how old he was, or anything. All I know is that he was a student at Patterson Mill and that he committed suicide because he was being bullied. Bullied! I can't believe that bullying is getting so bad... It's awful! And I feel like no one does anything about it, except give a little slap on the wrist and a "No, no, that's not nice," and then just turns their back.  Bullying is a serious issue. Getting bullied SUCKS, trust me. No one should bully, ever. But it happens. It will always happen, I know that. Kids are too immature and self-conscious, so they lash out. It's awful. I want to find a way to stop this... But I don't know how. It's so overwhelming...

Friday, October 21, 2011

The band :)

I am so happy and blessed to be a part of this amazing group.  They are the best group of guys I could have asked for.  We always have so much fun together, but we know how to focus when we need to.  Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm actually part of the band, even though I'm a girl and my only instrument is my voice.  You guys have no clue how much you mean to me :)


Saturday, October 15, 2011

My music

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!"

"I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!"

"As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!"

"This is your life
Are you who you wanna be?
This is your life,
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger
And you had everything to lose?"

Monday, October 3, 2011

Okay, Seriously??

What the heck was I thinking? Why oh why did I have to let my curiosity get the better of me?????????  I asked him why he did what he did, and you know what he said? YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!?!?!? "Yo era loco, y soy loco" aka "I was crazy and I am crazy." THAT. IS. NOT. AN. ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! buttface. jerkface. :P:P:P:P:P  I could seriously strangle him right now.

*sigh* Why oh why did I do that??

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Wordle--Check it!

Wordle: My Life in Words

Learning Through Mistakes

So, I was grounded for... Two weeks, I think.  Something like that.  I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy.  And the problem is, I was grounded for going on a date with a guy, then lying to my parents about it.  Not smart, right?  Right.
And I thought it was totally worth it.  For, oh, I don't know, three days? Four?  After this guy had avoided me for three days of school, he showed up to auditions holding the hand of his ex-girlfriend.  You know, the one he told me was with (well, before he broke up with her the first time) "only out of obligation"?  Yeah.  He had spent the entire summer plus the school year before that getting to know me, letting me get to know him, basically putting up this front.  And I trusted him, believed him.  We got along so well.  And, the big warning, the I-should've-seen-it-coming statement, "I won't hurt you. I promise."  Whenever a guy says that, be prepared to get hurt.
So, I feel insanely bi-polar.  Most of the time, I'm just hurt.  But that comes out in a "I really want to strangle you" kind of way.  Thankfully, I manage to keep that stuffed away in some deep dark corner somewhere (most of the time) and pull out my "Well, I hate you but I have to see you every day, so we might as well play nice" self. It's worked, so far. Let's pray that holds, at least until graduation.
If I never see him again, it'll be too soon...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Rachel's Challenge

Rachel's Challenge

#1) Look for the best in others--
              Eliminate prejudice
#2) Dare to dream--
              Set goals and keep a journal
#3) Choose positive influences--
              Input determines output
#4) Kind words--
              Little acts of kindness = Huge results!

Rachel's Challenge is amazing! It was started because of an 18 year old girl who was shot and killed at Columbine High School in 1999. And today, 12 years later, she is still touching lives. Wow!

You know that feeling?

When you hold hands with the guy you like for the first time?
When you're touched by a girl who died when you were 5?
When that girl started a movement that involves millions of people at age 18, and didn't know it?

That's what I felt today. And they were good feelings. My day was amazing!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Growing Up

Lay off
Leave me alone
I'm sick of your crap
I'm done with your *****ing
I can do what I want
So just watch me fly
I don't need you
Or your silly little stories
I don't need your made-up lies
I don't need your jealous glare
I thought we were mature
Above all the petty insecurities
But I guess you aren't
So too bad for you.
But whatever you do,
Don't try and bring me down
I'm a free spirit,
With a mind of my own.
You can't control me,
So watch me soar
And leave you behind
While I fly away
Content with myself
And what I've chosen.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I just want to be gone.

I just want to start over.
A clean slate.
No one knows me
And I know no one.
Where relationships aren't based
On "he said, she said" lies
But on mutual trust
And loyalty.
My utopia?
That's a place where everyone gets along.
No one feels self-conscious
Everyone is loved equally
And everyone loves equally.
That's my utopia
My retreat
My safety.
What's yours?

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Knock it off. You are not queen of this house. I don't CARE how much your freaking stomach hurts. Either lay down and nurse it, or GET OVER IT. Stop being a total grouch, and actually let people do you favors. Oh, and remember what she said about the music? Yeah. Don't fight, or she'll take it away. You start fights when you turn on the radio, hear a country song, then turn it off. Is it MY fault that our radio doesn't get your stupid pop station?? NO! So suck it up. I'm sick and tired of your stupid, irritating, priggish ways. Get over yourself.

Geez, I can't wait to LEAVE. Seriously. This will be the best. Vacation. Ever.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dear Theo,

Remember that promise you made 3 years ago? Time to deliver...


Thursday, August 11, 2011


I WILL be strong this year. I do not need a boyfriend or a posse to get me through this year, no matter what happens. I will not let anyone's crap distract me from my goals and my plans for the future. No petty drama is more important than that. I will not live in the moment, so that I can live for the future.

If you have an issue with this, I don't care. I will do whatever it takes, because I know that what I want means rising above what people will think or say. I know that my dreams rest on doing well, and I know that doing well rests on not letting myself get sucked into the mire of teenage drama.

My future is mine, and no one will take it from me.