When...

A guy friend says he likes you
Said friend is persistent
You can only come up with Spanish words when you're trying to think in English and vice versa
The past is brought back up to the surface

All in one day. This has been quite a day...

So Much to Say...

The Crucible was cancelled... I cried myself to sleep that night.

But! On the plus side, callbacks for Annie Get Your Gun were today, and I THINK I may have a shot at getting a kind-of lead role... Yay!! :D

On a more depressing note...
Poor Adam. I don't know his full name, how old he was, or anything. All I know is that he was a student at Patterson Mill and that he committed suicide because he was being bullied. Bullied! I can't believe that bullying is getting so bad... It's awful! And I feel like no one does anything about it, except give a little slap on the wrist and a "No, no, that's not nice," and then just turns their back.  Bullying is a serious issue. Getting bullied SUCKS, trust me. No one should bully, ever. But it happens. It will always happen, I know that. Kids are too immature and self-conscious, so they lash out. It's awful. I want to find a way to stop this... But I don't know how. It's so overwhelming...

The band :)

I am so happy and blessed to be a part of this amazing group.  They are the best group of guys I could have asked for.  We always have so much fun together, but we know how to focus when we need to.  Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm actually part of the band, even though I'm a girl and my only instrument is my voice.  You guys have no clue how much you mean to me :)

I LOVE YOU!!!!

My music

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!"

"I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!"

"As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!"

"This is your life

Are you who you wanna be?

This is your life,

Is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger

And you had everything to lose?"

Okay, Seriously??

What the heck was I thinking? Why oh why did I have to let my curiosity get the better of me?????????  I asked him why he did what he did, and you know what he said? YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!?!?!? "Yo era loco, y soy loco" aka "I was crazy and I am crazy." THAT. IS. NOT. AN. ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! buttface. jerkface. :P:P:P:P:P  I could seriously strangle him right now.

*sigh* Why oh why did I do that??

Wordle--Check it!

Learning Through Mistakes

So, I was grounded for... Two weeks, I think.  Something like that.  I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy.  And the problem is, I was grounded for going on a date with a guy, then lying to my parents about it.  Not smart, right?  Right.
And I thought it was totally worth it.  For, oh, I don't know, three days? Four?  After this guy had avoided me for three days of school, he showed up to auditions holding the hand of his ex-girlfriend.  You know, the one he told me was with (well, before he broke up with her the first time) "only out of obligation"?  Yeah.  He had spent the entire summer plus the school year before that getting to know me, letting me get to know him, basically putting up this front.  And I trusted him, believed him.  We got along so well.  And, the big warning, the I-should've-seen-it-coming statement, "I won't hurt you. I promise."  Whenever a guy says that, be prepared to get hurt.
So, I feel insanely bi-polar.  Most of the time, I'm just hurt.  But that comes out in a "I really want to strangle you" kind of way.  Thankfully, I manage to keep that stuffed away in some deep dark corner somewhere (most of the time) and pull out my "Well, I hate you but I have to see you every day, so we might as well play nice" self. It's worked, so far. Let's pray that holds, at least until graduation.
If I never see him again, it'll be too soon...

Rachel's Challenge

Rachel's Challenge

#1) Look for the best in others--

              Eliminate prejudice

#2) Dare to dream--

              Set goals and keep a journal

#3) Choose positive influences--

              Input determines output

#4) Kind words--

              Little acts of kindness = Huge results!

#5) START A CHAIN REACTION!!

Rachel's Challenge is amazing! It was started because of an 18 year old girl who was shot and killed at Columbine High School in 1999. And today, 12 years later, she is still touching lives. Wow!

You know that feeling?

When you hold hands with the guy you like for the first time?
When you're touched by a girl who died when you were 5?
When that girl started a movement that involves millions of people at age 18, and didn't know it?

That's what I felt today. And they were good feelings. My day was amazing!

Growing Up

Lay off
Leave me alone
I'm sick of your crap
I'm done with your *****ing
I can do what I want
So just watch me fly
I don't need you
Or your silly little stories
I don't need your made-up lies
I don't need your jealous glare
I thought we were mature
Above all the petty insecurities
But I guess you aren't
So too bad for you.
But whatever you do,
Don't try and bring me down
I'm a free spirit,
With a mind of my own.
You can't control me,
So watch me soar
And leave you behind
While I fly away
Content with myself
And what I've chosen.

I just want to be gone.

I just want to start over.
A clean slate.
No one knows me
And I know no one.
Where relationships aren't based
On "he said, she said" lies
But on mutual trust
Friendship
Respect
And loyalty.
My utopia?
That's a place where everyone gets along.
No one feels self-conscious
Sensitive
Unimportant.
Everyone is loved equally
And everyone loves equally.
That's my utopia
My retreat
My safety.
What's yours?

Seriously??

Knock it off. You are not queen of this house. I don't CARE how much your freaking stomach hurts. Either lay down and nurse it, or GET OVER IT. Stop being a total grouch, and actually let people do you favors. Oh, and remember what she said about the music? Yeah. Don't fight, or she'll take it away. You start fights when you turn on the radio, hear a country song, then turn it off. Is it MY fault that our radio doesn't get your stupid pop station?? NO! So suck it up. I'm sick and tired of your stupid, irritating, priggish ways. Get over yourself.

Geez, I can't wait to LEAVE. Seriously. This will be the best. Vacation. Ever.

Dear Theo,

Remember that promise you made 3 years ago? Time to deliver...

Sincerely,

MANGO!!!!!

Declaration

I WILL be strong this year. I do not need a boyfriend or a posse to get me through this year, no matter what happens. I will not let anyone's crap distract me from my goals and my plans for the future. No petty drama is more important than that. I will not live in the moment, so that I can live for the future.

If you have an issue with this, I don't care. I will do whatever it takes, because I know that what I want means rising above what people will think or say. I know that my dreams rest on doing well, and I know that doing well rests on not letting myself get sucked into the mire of teenage drama.

My future is mine, and no one will take it from me.

Haiku

'Neath the nighttime skies
The heart reveals its follies
And will bleed for all

Khaled Hosseini Said it Right

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

~Amir, The Kite Runner

...Confused...

Does he like me for me?

Or does he "like" me because he's lonely and I was nice to him?

Words

Words are tools of destruction, tearing people down, breaking them apart, then burning the pieces.


I hate everything. But, most of all...






I hate her. And I hate myself.

Things change, I guess. But so soon?

Ugh. We found a cicada at work today. That was not fun. I still shudder thinking about it. Ick.

Apparently, all the staying up I did last night did nothing good for me. Instead that I got this freaky, intense feeling that everything is going to change, and soon, and that I have to enjoy and document every moment of it. It's pretty scary, and kind of humbling, too. Like, what have I done with my life? Nothing, it seems. I haven't lived life, really. I feel like I've just been plodding through it, heedless of many opportunities that I won't ever have again. This is so depressing.

My Day

In Highlights...

Highlight #1: Haleigh! I got to see her at church, and it was just awesomeness :)

Highlight #2: Christine! She's not grounded anymore :D

Highlight #3: Party at the Tellup's (and watching Princess Bride with Pat, who has never before seen that epic (but slightly cheesy) movie).

And in Low Points...

Low Point #1: Work. REALLY GRETA?!?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously. It's nice that you warned us that you were going to bring 10 people, but couldn't you have at least brought them before closing time? So, thanks. A ton. Also, whoever opened either did a not-great job, or we were 1,000 times busier than normal. I'm gonna go with the former option on this one though. Emily had to come in, and thank goodness she did, because we were out of peanut butter, almost out of marshmallow, and running low on chocolate. Grrrrr.

Ahhh

Beach = Amazing.

I shall post some of my favorite pictures soon. Ish.

But until then, here is a link to my Picasa album, since it is easier and quicker and better-looking than Facebook: https://picasaweb.google.com/105229165953765549251/BroadkillSummer2011#

Au revoir!

work :)

Even though work was slow, and it kind of sucked, there were some highlights.

Highlight #1: Haleigh's favorite elective is Drama :) MY drama, might I add :D

Highlight #2: Julie got marshmallow on the seat of her pants, so Sam pointed it out. Julie flipped out and ran to the bathroom to try to get it off. This is probably one of those things that you had to be there for, but it was hilarious. Sam and I felt so bad for laughing, but her reaction was just so funny! She couldn't get the marshmallow off, either.

Highlight #3: Mark came to visit me after he got off work, and I threw ice at him. He said it was hard to decide, so I started my litany of questions: ice cream or snowball? what size? flavor? marshmallow? He responded I don't know to the first question so I stuck my hand under the ice machine so I had a little pile of ice and I chucked it at him. Then my boss was like "Hey! Don't throw ice at the customers!" (But he was the one who sort of suggested it, so I'm pretty sure he was kidding). Anyways, that was a lot of fun.

Grr, drama. Let me just say that parents of a 17 year old who is serious about whatever you don't want her to be serious about, leave it alone. She will have the legal ability to move out and get a place of her own. So be careful--you could lose her for life.

Just sayin'.

Secrets

Gah, I hate not being able to tell people something that's really exciting. But, I have found an outlet for my excitement that does not involve letting the cat out of the bag. So, yay!

Do You?

Do you sit up late at night
To watch the glittery sky
Waver through your unshed tears?
Do you hide in a corner
Hoping against all hope
To be invisible while you cry?
Do you plod through life
At a turtle's pace
Wondering when life will begin?
Do you know what it's like
To be me?

Taking back Thursdays

YESS!!!! We did it! We TOOK BACK THURSDAY!!!

Basically, Thursday every year except for last year and this year has been miserable. BUT. We took back Thursday from the Devil and it was amazing.

And we made a whirlpool at the Olenick's and while I was floating in the whirlpool I saw a cloud shaped like a heart and a space between two clouds that also looked like a heart. Or maybe hearts were just on my mind. Hmmm....

Drama

So, playing Freeze with my girls is quite entertaining. Where do they even get the ideas they use?

Examples:
Witches
Magicians
Giant Cookies
Abusive Mothers
Mean Sisters

But I love my girls, despite their crazy ideas and propensity for increased volume. They are the absolute cutest! And sweet little Rachel is getting into the acting so much--she's flipping her hair and cocking her hips and looking all disgusted. It's adorable. I can't wait for Saturday; It's going to be amazing.

Happiness :)

SO.

CYMA. It's... interesting. Definitely odd seeing it from yet ANOTHER new perspective (camper --> LiT --> Admin --> elective leader) but it's fun.

Highlight #1: Curtis. He was so upset today because he was having a hard time remembering his lines (side note: he's like 8 or 9 and they just got their scripts yesterday). So I got down on his level and gave him this great big long pep talk about how he was going to do wonderfully, and even IF he messed up, no one would even know! I mean, it's not like anyone has a script or knows what he has to say. Then the other three boys, starting with Isaac, who was soon joined by Phillip and Noah, caught on and started agreeing with me saying that they'd help him out. Noah also pointed out that there was no way that they were going to hand out scripts, because "there would be 300 people, and our script is two pages long. So we would have to use 600 pieces of paper, and that would be a waste." (Quite frankly, I think that made Noah feel smart). So Curtis was all excited to try again, this time without his script. And he only looked ONCE! I was so proud :)

Highlight #2: Work. Surprise, I know. There's this young man, no clue how old he is or what his name is, or anything about him. But I love him. He has Down Syndrome, and he is just so sweet. He orders the same thing at the same time every night-- a medium Twilight with extra marshmallow. So, he comes up to the window tonight and I look at him and say "Let me guess." And I repeat his order from memory without a single second of hesitation, and his face just lit up. He was so thrilled I remembered. At one point, I heard him say, "I can't believe she got it." He was just so happy. Now, around that time it was pretty slow, and I like that since it gives me a chance to talk with the customers. So, I hand him his snowball and I look at him and I tell him that my mom works there too, and when I was little, sometimes, I would just get a junior cup full of marshmallow. And he just looked at me like "Woah. That. Is. Awesome." He made working tonight just 1,001 times better than it would have been. Thank you, random but totally sweet person who is my absolute favorite customer! :)

Congratulations, World

You win. You have crushed me, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually... I give up. I have cried myself to the point of total, utter, and complete exhaustion more times in the past 2.5 months than I have in my entire life. So, congratulations.


To the 6 people who are worth it, thank you. I know most if you won't even see this post, but you don't know how important you are to me.
To the rest of you, I have two things to say to you: stfu and go to Hell.

And the Days Drag On...

Happy belated 4th! I had fun yesterday, except for the fact that people were getting drunk. That just made me so sad. Why do people celebrate something so momentous and important by saying "Bottoms up!" and chugging as much alcohol as they can? I am disappointed in you, America.

And the whole Casey Anthony case? Yeah, that is sad. I feel so bad for the whole family. I may not understand the finer workings of the legal system, but still. Is it really fair to postpone this woman's trial for three years, and then acquit her of her most serious accusations? On the other hand, the evidence didn't look to good on her end. I don't know. I just lean on the knowledge that God is the ultimate judge of men, and nothing I say or think can influence anyone.

On the plus side, I finally have a few days off! I am definitely enjoying doing absolutely nothing, and I am excited for this to continue. Hopefully Mom will take me into Bel Air to buy some books, and to get some wood and other stuff for making my very own bookshelf that will fit all of my books, including my yearbooks, and will have room on top for other things! :) I am excited.

*exhaustion*

5 days of getting up at 7:15 for VBS leading into working 30+hours in 6 days (with a three-day overlap) is INSANE! I hope I never do that again.

And then I get Tuesday and Wednesday off, I'm babysitting all day Thursday, we're going CYMA shopping on Friday, I have Saturday off, then Sunday is the 1-day pre-CYMA retreat-meeting-thing.

And then it's CYMA. 7 days of running around, handling kids and teenagers and working my butt off without showing it to anyone not behind the scenes. It's stressful. Every year, some big, drama-filled SOMETHING happens. I repeat: STRESS!!!!

But after that it's a week at the beach. Camping under the stars with a fire by my side... No noise... No society... Little technology... Cheap shopping... SUN all day long... And the only thing I'll have to do is my AP Lit summer project. I'm relaxing just thinking about it.

ANDANDAND!!!! Mom said we might be going to Disney this fall!!!!! :) That just boosts my excitement. AND ON TOP OF THAT!!!!! I'm going to Disney next March with about 30% or more of my school. No parents. No siblings. Just friends, and awesomeness and independence.

Work was actually kind of fun today. I spent about 4 hours making a sign for our mobile location tomorrow (right outside of Gus's Deli in Bel Air, and RIGHT along the parade route, *hinthintwinkwinknudgenudge*. And I also spent time starting my AP Lit summer project. And I also ate. A lot. I really shouldn't eat as much as I do, but OH WELL! It's yummy in my tummy (haha, Scraps :D). And tonight, I am doing nothing. So, despite my exhaustion, I have had a pretty good day.

VBS

*sigh* What happens if you stick a bunch of teenagers together?

Drama.

This is... Interesting to say the least. Is it fair of me to judge someone based on his or her actions when those actions are pretty consistent, and the only variable of those actions is the receiver?

Hint #1: Grow up.
Hint #2: If someone says "this is what's going on. Fix it." then you fix it. Unless of course you WANT to lose a friend.
Hint #3: BOUNDARIES. They exist. Respect them.

work

I just got home from 7 hours of work, only to check the schedule and see that I'm scheduled to work:

Wednesday, June 29: 7pm-9:30pm

Thursday, June 30: 7pm-9:30pm

Friday, July 1: 5pm-10pm (but I'm only backup, so PLEASE pray for icky weather!!!)

Saturday, July 2: 5pm-10pm

Sunday, July 3: 10am-5pm

Monday, July 4: 10am-5pm

SHOOT ME NOW!! Please! Seriously, just put me out of my misery. Because on top of that, it's VBS week.

Maybe Mom will switch with me for Friday...

Worn Out Jeans

My pillow is soaked with countless tears
My heart is torn with countless hurts
Every day I use myself up
I tell myself
I won't cry
I won't hurt
But every day
My tears fall a little more
Like a waterfall of pain
My heart tears just one more time
Like a worn-down pair
Of my favorite old jeans
Worn
Torn
And loved
But thrown away
Replaced
Forgotten
My tears keep coming
My heart keeps hurting
And you
You keep throwing me away
Like an old, un-loved pair
Of worn out jeans.

Babysitting :)

So, I'm babysitting my mom's friend's kids, and they are the sweetest things in the world! Their names are Evan and Eli, and they're just adorable. Evan LOVES to pretend, and Eli just has the sweetest disposition. He loves to be tickled, and he'll stop crying only like 10 seconds after he starts. They're both sooo cute, and they were so easy to put to bed. Easiest kids I've ever babysat (not that I've babysat that much).

Who likes being used???

Not me.

So.

I'm not a cab driver. I don't give rides because you're too lazy to catch your bus or because you don't feel like catching it.

Get yourself up, and deal with what I had to deal with.

I will give you a ride if you need one, or if it's inconvenient for you to find another way home. AND at my discretion.

I have no car of my own, and I drive to school sporadically.

You can't be rude to me or ignore me then expect rides. You can't "all of a sudden" become my friend and simultaneously ask for rides.

Real friends don't use people for their car/license.

RIP

This past Saturday, Mike Sawyer drowned in the Susquehanna River. He was a junior at HHS and was very well-loved and popular. The whole school is mourning him.
It seems like this school is just a magnet for pain and hurt. How is that even fair? And not just school-wide pain, but personal pain. It seems like everyone is hurting in some way or another. My heart hurts for these hurting people, and I wish I were in a condition to help them...

AP Anthologies

So, the each student in the AP Lit & Comp (12th grade English) class makes an anthology for their final project and, at the end of the year, they put the anthologies on display for a period, for juniors and sophomores to look at.

I'm really excited about doing this next year. The anthology is a compilation of classic and contemporary essays, song lyrics, articles, short stories and original compositions, all based around a central theme that you choose. It's a chance to express who you are or who you've become, and I'm looking forward to this freedom, this chance to explain who and what has made me who I am today.

Reilly

So, I went to a Reilly concert with Pat and Mark last night in Joppa. It was amazing! They play super good music, and I had a lot of fun :)

Reillytheband.com. VISIT!!!!!! =P

Hey there!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted and I'm sorry :/ School has been pretty stressful and a lot of things happened to me right around the same time.

A cool thing that happened is that now I'm in a band called 4th Soil. It's a lot of fun. My brother and his friend Pat started it, and they've gotten really good. Come visit our site to learn more: 4thsoil.webs.com. I'm gonna work on updating the website a bit, adding more information and things if that nature.

So, I'm going to try and keep this updated more often than not, and keep an eye on the 4th Soil page for any new and/or exciting tidbits of information!

Love you all
Andee :)

Dear God,

What I am doing?? I feel so confused and torn up inside... I have no idea who I'm supposed to trust anymore. It seems like almost all of my best friends have left, have moved on. I feel like I keep getting hurt over and over again in the little ways, that most people probably don't realize. And every time I try to say something, it blows up in my face! I can't seem to control my temper, and by the time I have it under control, the subject is unapproachable. What is wrong with me, that I can't just seem to open and trust SOMEONE??

God, I'm so confused and hurt. Please, will you help me? Show me want you want for my life. Show me where you want me to go, what you want me to do.

...Please

SAVE ME!

I have had 9.5 days off school.

I need to get out of my house.

My family doesn't want to see anything in theaters.

Ian has to be at church in two hours.

I am broke so I can't afford to go anywhere.

I NEED something to do.

Ideas???