fights and drama and blargh.

Sooooooo.... yeah.

Yesterday, i got in a fight with my best friend. And it's mostly his fault because,
a) He told his ex something i did not want him to
b) He lied about telling her.

So he dug his hole even deeper than necessary.

But it's partly my fault because i was in a really off mood, and i felt an annoying need to pick a fight with someone. He just happened to make it very easy for me.

It's rather sad, actually. I've gotten pathetically at dealing with drama. My fault, I know. It's annoying and pathetic. And kind of scary...

I just completely blew up at him. Through a text message.

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!? Am I really so afraid of what I feel, and what other people think that I'm willing to risk his friendship? Now I'm the one who has screwed up... *sigh*

I think I'm going to implode, or hyperventilate. What does having a panic attack feel like?

One of my... "friends" (I guess. He's in my drama class and i talk with him on the bus most afternoons) has been having dreams about people's personal "hells on earth".
One of those people was me.
And it was uncannily accurate. It's a nightmare I would have had, if I were a normal person.

This is really freaking me out. He doesn't know me well enough to have guessed it on his own, and I'm pretty sure I've never told him, either. I don't know him well enough.

AAAHHHH!!!!!! This is super freaky.

HSA week pros and cons

Pros:
-on the days i don't have hsa's, its the equivalent to a 3.5 hour delay :D
-i really do want to pass high school
-my junior and senior year, i don't have to take any at all (unless i fail, which is highly unlikely)


Cons:
-on the days i do have hsa's, i have to go in at normal time
-these test are insanely easy, and i dont see their point
-my biology teacher said the hsa was going to be hard, hard, hard, and that if we didn't study we wouldn't pass. i have a feeling im going to pass, and i didn't do any studying outside of class.
-these tests are actually rather draining, especially when you finish each session in 15 minutes. you try sitting there silently for half an hour! its tough. i ended up napping, and im STILL tired. :sigh:
-did i mention that they're rather pointless?

crushed-ness

i know thats not a word, but deal.

my life fell apart. literally. i have no idea who i am, who im going to be, anything. and all because of three little words. "i love you". not a big deal right? i mean, i tell people that all the time. granted, theyre not guys, but who cares? i love my friends, right?
but "i love you". have you ever contemplated the weight of those three words? well, i can tell you--i have. a lot. in just the past day, i have thought about them, approached them from all angles, everything ive thought about today is those words, their meaning, and what happens when theyre used.
why? you wanna know why i've been contemplating perhaps the heaviest combination of three words in the English language? surprise.
i've been contemplating them because my best guy friend in the whole wide world just said them to me last night. i wont even go into the details, because theyre not important.
what is important is the meaning and connotation.
he did not mean "i love you as a friend". he meant "i love you as a girlfriend".
the connotation? hes more in love with me than i am with him, and he's seeing things in our future that i can't even think about yet. and yes, it will always be our future. because wherever i go in life, i want to be friends with him through it all.

but, my conundrum paramounts in a few different areas:
1) im not talking to him, not really. i shouldn't be, but i want to soooo bad, its not even funny.
2) because im not talking to him, im also not hugging him. which is good and bad. i need a hug from him right now, but i can't have one from him, because hes the reason i need one!
3) theres a *slight* possibility that i could maybe sorta be falling for him. my main clues? i can't live without him, no matter what. this is killing me inside, and i hate it. and despite how much i dont want to care right now, i care more than anything in the whole wide world.
i almost started crying at multiple points during my AP test this afternoon because i would get distracted, then think of my solo audition, then think of our song "take o take" or w/e its called, then id think of him. which made me cry. >_<
and no matter what he says, hes not the only person who has thoroughly screwed things up. ive helped, more than he knows, probably even more than i want him to know.

i cant stop crying over this. is that bad?

I'm sorry.

i'm sorry i gave you a choice. ultimatums, when issued, add pressure. i tried to make it easier on you to pick the right option, but you still picked wrong.
wow. i kind of screwed your life over, didn't i? and don't say its all your fault, because we both know it's not.

so, I'm really truly sorry.

p.s. i don't hate you. im just upset with you, and the choice you made. i need some chill time, ok?

...

i'm not sure this whole situation can get any worse. and now that ive said that, it will.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrr... stupid high school drama. >_< shes jealous, and has NO REASON to be. nothing will happen, and she ought to know that. but does she? NO.

ok, im done ranting now.

(please, no comments)

last night

it was a ton of fun, nothing unusual, until we got there.
then, i started feeling fifth-wheel-ish. bleh.
ians parents were walking around, and ian was comforting caitlin about her shoulder or something, i guess.
meh.
when we got in the theater, it was kinda the same thing. ians parents were up and walking around, and ian and caitlin were in their own little world again. then the show started, and i was pretty much fine until the end (including intermission).
then the car ride home.
caitlin and i leaned on ian (he was in the middle, to act as pillow) and then she "got up" kinda and leaned away. i wasn't sure exactly why, but i thought it might have had something to do with the fact that i was resting my head on ian's shoulder. so i got up. sure enough, she leaned her head back down.
so, bad little girl that i am, i got out my mp3 and threw myself a mini pity party the whole way home. ian realized something was wrong and texted me, but my phone was on silent, so i didn't see it until i was almost home. but when i did see him, i just told him i was tired. it seemed to work.
but bleh.
anyways, it was a learning experience. never go out with two couples, no matter their age, unless you are with someone. even if you're really good friends with one of the people. it's not worth feeling like a fifth wheel.