The Past is Catching Up

It's been about 8 months since my best friend in the whole wide world just up and left.  And I don't mean "I'm-leaving-but-I'll-be-back" kind of left, and definitely not "I'm-leaving-tomorrow-so-let-me-say-goodbye" kind of left, either.  I mean "I'm-eloping-with-this-guy-of-whom-nobody-approves-but-me-and-I'm-not-saying-goodbye-and-you-can't-stop-me" kind of left.

Christine chose a time when her younger sister, Erin, was at church, and her younger brother was at their grandparents' house a whole state away.  She didn't tell her parents until her boyfriend (fiance? whatever you want to call him) was at her door, ready to whisk her away to his farm in Kentucky, never to be heard from again.

When it all started happening, Christine's mom called Erin to tell her, and I was the lucky one who got to see it all play out on Erin's face.  The way she curled in on herself, with her mouth wide open and her eyes filling with tears, I thought someone had died.  Her response was that instantaneous, that intense.  For as long I live, I will never forget her reaction.  Once I finally heard what was going on, I was almost as devastated.  Christine and I had been best friends since kindergarten, and we were about to graduate.  Her graduation party was going to happen in two days, and mine the day after that.  We used to be as thick as thieves.  For pretty much as long as I've known her, I've considered her my sister in all ways except blood.  We grew up talking about being in each other's weddings, graduating together, even going to school close to each other.  In fact, after I applied for the college I'm currently attending, she started looking at Christian schools in the area.

But obviously, none of that lasted.  She and her beau went off to Kentucky, leaving behind broken-hearted friends and family, and a mother who wasn't eating and losing weight dangerously quickly, due to the stress and the heartache.  My dreams of celebrating our graduations together were dashed.  A week later, so were our dreams of participating in each other's weddings.

She came back and visited once, in the middle of June.  No warning, just showed up at church.  He walked in first, and the second I saw him, I froze.  I stopped talking mid-sentence.  The smile just fell off of my face.  I was talking with Erin at the time, and she responded the exact same way as me.  We both stalked out, but while she stopped to talk to Christine, I strode right past her.  I was practically running down the hallway in order to get away from all the ugly feelings that I hadn't even begun to figure out.

Of course, Christine followed me down the hallway, and I finally turned and faced her, bracing myself for the worst.

"We're only going to be two hours away from each other! Aren't you happy?"

The most loaded question in the world.  Happy?  Happy about what?  Happy that she ran away?  Happy that the only thing I could think at my graduation party was that she wasn't there?  Happy that she didn't say goodbye?  Happy that she'd gotten married without me?  Happy that she'd broken her mother's heart, completely devastated her brother and sister?  Happy that she'd left a mess behind and wasn't even going to try and help clean up?  Happy that she'd given up on all her dreams of being a youth pastor in order to become a homemaker and a wife to someone who'd convinced her that her dreams weren't important and that her parents are pagans?

No.  I wasn't happy.  Neither were her parents, or her siblings, or anyone else, except for his family.  And I told her so, in no uncertain terms.  After that, I ran downstairs to my mom and bawled my eyes out.  I felt horrible.  I had just yelled at one of my best friends, and probably ruined our relationship for good.  I still feel a bit bad about that (not about telling her the truth, no matter how harsh, but about how meanly I told her).  The next day I saw her mom, and she thanked me.  She THANKED me!  For yelling at my best friend.  I understand her point - some of the things I said, she couldn't or else Christine would never come back.  But it didn't make it hurt any less.

So I emailed her in the beginning of July, to apologize and explain.  I told her that things had changed, namely our relationship, and that I wanted to try and fix it, but she'd have to help.  She never responded.

Fast forward two months, it's the beginning of September, and I've been in classes for not even two weeks.  I emailed her again, apologizing and practically begging her to talk to me.  I know, not the smartest move, but I really missed her and I was bursting with news about college and just life in general.

She finally emailed me back mid-October, almost a week after my grandfather died.  Other than her "I promise I wasn't mad. Of course we can be friends," her email was just benign chit-chat.  Way to twist that knife a little deeper into my heart.

I responded instantly, filled with anger (although, looking back, that anger was just masking a deep-seated hurt).  I had heard she was pregnant from a mutual friend (also a girl she used to mentor), and so, in my response, I accused her of not telling me that (because best friends are supposed to share everything, RIGHT?!?) and answered her question about college with a very flat, unhelpful "Fine. I guess."

AND I kept obsessing and obsessing and obsessing over the email until I gave up and emailed her back.  I apologized (again), and suggested that maybe keeping up with consistent communication would help me to not get so riled up.  I also told her about my life in a little bit more detail, telling her that I loved my classes, and that I'd been dating this guy that I was really into.

No response.

Four days ago, after not having spoken for 3.5 months, we became Facebook friends.  Not because they sought me out.  Nope!  I had to hear that they ("they" meaning Christine and her husband, his name first) made a joint account on Facebook through my mother.  Thanks guys.  Feeling the love.

So I messaged them, asking them surface questions (How are you? How's life? etc.) in an attempt to open conversation without hitting nerves on the first go.  I got a pretty flat response in return.  "Hey! We're doing well :) How's college and life these days?"  So I gave them the run-down on my classes, talking about how I'm excited for some and nervous for others, and how I'm such a nerd for being excited for an upper-level Spanish class, but I didn't care.  I also mentioned, in detail, my swimming for fitness class.  I told Christine (a former competitive swimmer) that I swam 500yds in 11 minutes and 20 seconds (I know, not that impressive for you pros, but I'm proud!) and how hopefully by spring break I'll be swimming 500yds in a little over eight minutes.

You know that new feature on Facebook, where it tells you if someone has seen your message, and when they saw it?  Yeah.  I used to not really care about that feature.  Now, however I do.  Because you see, Facebook claims that one or the other saw the message at 9:43 pm Thursday, January 31, 2013.  And by 3:25 pm Sunday, February 3, 2013, there was no response.

So, what do I do?  I message them again.  Asking how their holidays were, if they started any new traditions, etc, etc.  I also asked "What's been the most interesting/unexpected/hilarious thing that's happened to y'all?"  According to Facebook, they saw the message at 3:25 pm today.  So, basically, as soon as it got there.  Do I get a response? NO!

I've been thinking about Christine a lot lately.  Part of it's because I found out that she really is pregnant (and, in fact, due in about a month).  Part of it's because her birthday was a month ago.  But most of it is because I just really really miss her.  And I don't know what to do!  I'm trying to re-build this relationship, at least a little bit, but it's not working!  They never answer when I call, she's not responding to me, he's not responding to me, nothing!  It's like they don't want me anymore.  And that hurts, a lot.

I wish there was something I could do, but the truth is, it's all on their end.  I'm not ready to give up yet, though.  I'm going to try.  Because someday, I might need her, or she might need me.  Or we might want to try and talk again.  But if there are years of hurt and betrayal and anger between us, rather than months, we might not be able to cross that gap.  And I don't want that.

"The past collides with the present, and they shed tears for the future."

~Andee Skaggs~